444. Boris Johnson sailed the ship of privilege way past the horizon of his abilities to an island of chaos…

…and the ‘swivel eyed loons’ of 2013 who birthed Brexit and later landed us with Johnson are about to decide Britain’s fate AGAIN.

SO, the answer to my last post is clearly no. Ben Wallace – the in-the-background favourite of the Tory party has not – unlike – it seems – the bulk of the Johnson enablers – put his hat in the ring.

The unsightly spectacle of the talentless, and feckless, the vain and stupid who, in large part, served in the Johnson cabinet of half-wits carelessly supporting him are now scrapping for the top job. More significantly, it will be hardcore Tory activists and party members – 160k or so of the most right-wing Brexit bonkers critters – described in 2013 by a ‘senior Tory’ as Swivel eyed loons’ and courted by Farage who will appoint the next leader of Britain. These are the folk who landed us with the narcissistic, dishonest, destructive blonde blob in the first place. And this will be the third Prime Minister in a row not directly chosen primarily by the UK public.

Is this not the very definition of a failed state?

The saddest part of all this is that Boris Johnson simply showed us what the extremity of undead privilege and nuclear entitlement will allow. He still has his excusers and those who wish to give him little consolation prizes – like an initially mooted idea to allow him and the woman he tried to have promoted to his chief-of-staff in 2018 (the future Mrs Johnson) to have their wedding party at Chequers. Or he can be an envoy to Ukraine. As far as I recall – this method of treats and sweeteners is used to get African dictators to let go the trappings of power – as if these men are naughty toddlers who have to be indulged so they will leave the party before anything else is wrecked and any more children are bitten or spat at.

How very far we’ve navigated away from John Major’s notion of a British meritocracy.

All we’ve seen over the last decade + is austerity and hardship for the little people while those with little talent but huge sense of their own importance – take and break and fake and give nothing. Not even decency in public office.

Boris Johnson sailed the ship of privilege way past the horizon of his abilities to an island of chaos. The post-war Britain of hope and prosperity for ordinary people, already struggling after the socio-economic tidal waves of privatisation, illegal war, pandering to the rich plus grossly damaging austerity - has finally been dragged under in Johnson's filthy churning wake.

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Do remember to check out my adult novels, kids’ books, poetry anthologies  (plus there is a bit more biog) on goodreads or here Amanda's Books

CONTACT

I am available for spoken word comedy performance and editorial / comment articles. There is no social media link for me but communications will be forwarded to me from this email – edinburghfft@gmail.com

443. Ben Wallace - the political enema to shift Boris Johnson?

Something’s gotta give - except it hasn’t.

Enough is enough – except it never is.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. No – the camel is drowning in straw; suffocating. There have been so very many straws - proroguing / lying / partygate / nepotism for his future wife / lying / failing to sack Priti Patel, despite proven bullying / lying / supporting Pincher the groper because the deputy chief whip is a mad brexiter -  etc and etc and etc…

Has Johnson simply overwhelmed the public with the sheer weight and persistence of his vileness, his sleaze, his personal ugliness – to the extent Jo Blogs no longer has the will to care?

We are all aware that modern attention spans are short. Poor Ukraine has had many conurbations razed to the ground in what is – in world and historical terms – a relatively new war – and yet – several news home pages yesterday had more info about Victoria Beckham’s diet ‘regime’ than Putin’s regime. And yet Britain – previously Great Britain – still has at its helm a man for whom there is no degradation low enough.

Doctor’s may not want you to know this. J Lo’s new bikini may make your jaw drop, Kate may be channelling Diana (again) and Liz Hurley may not have bought herself any proper clothes yet but – what Britain needs – and I’m sure many real doctors in the NHS very much do want you to appreciate this – is an effective political enema to shift the backlog of shit which is over a decade of Tory mismanagement culminating in the current madness.

A new name put in place now will affect very little of our everyday lives, I get that. It may, in fact, simply be an opportunity for the Tories, yet again, to claim they are all new and shiny and the previous shit show wasn’t really to do with them. The public may buy it again. However, getting rid of Boris Johnson has to be a thing in and of itself. 

These one-man wrecking balls – Putin, Bolsonaro , Trump, Johnson are a horror of 21^st century political counter-intuitiveness. They personify a real contemporary nightmare proving that the bogeyman really does live under the bed and nothing we held dear can actually be taken for granted – not even progress and civilisation.

In a recent Tory poll, Ben Wallace came out as a surprise possibility to become Conservative leader. I say surprise – but that depends whether you are surprised that this man who few would recognise (think Cpt Mainwaring of Dad’s Army only with real military experience) should have snuck up even while we acknowledge that none of the other wannabes are a. capable b. untainted by the slime of Boris Johnson. 

Add in the personal inadequacies - Raab is too obviously thick, Priti Patel is too thick and vile, Truss is too thick and vain, Gove is – well – too Gove – and you realise that the political enema required, really needs to be someone who – like unpleasant medicine – can be inserted before the patient really knows what is happening.

Ben Wallace – you’re up.

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CONTACT

I am available for spoken word comedy performance and editorial / comment articles. There is no social media link for me but communications will be forwarded to me from this email – edinburghfft@gmail.com

Also - I may be doing a late-booking Edinburgh Fringe comedy show. If it happens I'll put details up here.

And - do remember to check out My BOOKS

442. Maddest, most hilarious news item this week!

OK – I know it’s only Tuesday.

And by hilarious I mean the kind of hilarity one might experience on the post-iceberg Titanic if someone tripped over their shoelace.

The report I’m referring to is a header this morning in The Independent stating that someone (ooooh) in the Conservative inner circle (oooooh) reckons Tory rebels will act – and I quote “lightning fast” (oooooh) if Boris Johnson is found to have lied to Parliament.

I’ve nothing really to add because crazy cannot be satirised as many before me have commented. Put aside the intrinsically ridiculous idea of a ‘Tory rebel’ when the whole shower of them are the most bent-over, crawling, craven, crass, cretinous bunch you ever regretted. The article just left me wondering whether Edinburgh council would act ‘lightning fast” if any more dog owners are found to have left giant amounts of dog shit on the pavements around where I live…

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Do remember to check out my adult novels, kids’ books, poetry anthologies  (plus there is a bit more biog) here My BOOKS 

CONTACT

I am available for spoken word comedy performance and editorial / comment articles. There is no social media link for me but communications will be forwarded to me from this email – edinburghfft@gmail.com

441. The disappearing Tory story!

 You couldn’t make it up but they could…

After the almost lazy disavowals, it was confirmed that The Times newspaper did remove a damaging story about Boris Johnson attempting to have Carrie Symonds (the future Mrs Johnson) appointed to the powerful and lucrative post of his chief of staff in 2018. 

Johnson was Foreign Secretary at the time. Those able to follow the spaghetti will recall it was as Foreign Secretary that he pissed all over the Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe situation, carelessly making it much worse than it already was. Making things much worse than they already are is Boris Johnson's super power. 

The withdrawal of The Times story was, despite denials, a decision made following direct pressure from Downing Street proving that Johnson isn't just an inveterate liar - he breeds lies.

In summary…

 

The disappearing Tory story

A saga of deceit so hoary

It creates no big furore,

Truth lies bleeding, sadly gory

More falsehoods for Jackanory

And when all is said and done

This aint no land of hope and glory

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Life truly is a Soap Opera !

440. A good friend wrecked an expensive new washing machine. Boris Johnson wrecked Britain. Difference? My friend feels bad…

 These things happen – to everyone. At least once.

With the kinds of young monsters that produce washing every day (otherwise known as children), my friend always knew he and his wife would run out of luck with their old and too-small washing machine. That day arrived a week ago. Further repairs seemed nonsensical and the painful decision was made to finally purchase a new machine with a larger drum load.

The machine arrived. My pal did the necessary, his wife gratefully loaded up a full wash.

HOWEVER, the transit bolts were not removed – as per the very evident and oft-repeated instructions. 

Now, my friend is a very capable person and understands machinery far more complex than a washing machine. It was one of those crap oversights that could happen to anyone who is working hard full-time in a relatively new job and having a few sleepless nights with a new baby and the normal trials and tribulations of a young family. Having said that, his wife is also tired – obviously - and juggled all the logistics of out with the old, in with the new while doing the run-around after all the kids. So, not a happy situation. The machine broke FULLY LOADED. It may be fixable it may not but the warranty is void...

They both felt terrible. The time. The waste. The stupid mistake. The hassle. The waste. The cost. THE WASTE. And so on.

Now.

Boris Johnson has wrecked Britain. Admittedly he didn’t do it on his own. The anti-working class rot set in with Thatcher and the sell off of the family silver (privatisation). 

Blair moved things along mightily with the illegal invasion of Iraq, global destabilisation, mass migration, growth of international terrorism yada yada yada - who cares - give the guy an honour. 

Clegg and Cameron also helped with an increase in tuition fees (introduced by Blair) helping to ensure that no working class person could compete on a level playing field with their privileged set. Cameron pig-head-fucker actually landed Brexit and then it was fast downhill from there with May (who also gave us the racist ‘go-home' vans and the nasty environment for immigrants when she was Home Secretary) helping boost racism ready for the mad sad bad Brexit yobs who took over after the 2016 vote. 

But – yes – with his more bare-faced lies and lack of any interest at all in anything but himeself – the top spot really has to go to Johnson as Wrecker-in-Chief.

Dishonourable mentions also go to others.

Matt Hancock dished out contracts worth millions during the pandemic to people who couldn’t provide the PPE they were paid for. What he enabled used to call that profiteering.

Priti Patel, current Home Secretary trying to send vulnerable folk to Rwanda where – according to one Tory commentator – the cost to the UK tax payer will exceed what it would cost to put these people up at The Ritz. And she is a vicious ignorant bully.

I wont go on as the dim and the dimmer are legion.

They feel nothing. Certainly not embarrassment or despondency or any sort of pain at their own catastrophic mismanagement and negligence. They certainly do not feel sick at the waste. But then, they are not wasting their money. They have plenty. They are flushing OUR money down the toilet. They don't feel bad. They feel nothing.

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Do remember to check out my adult novels, comedy writing, children's books and poetry anthologies here My BOOKS

And remember there are videos to go with my kids' poems. Fun Poems for Children all shot in my attic during the first lockdown.

439. Boris Johnson & the Talking Dead plus the best Jubilee Bash!

Yes, today is a double bill of truly British bollocks

First, the ‘confidence’ vote last night.

The results were pretty much what you would have predicted. A complete nothingness of spineless, craven non-entities producing another fine mess in that Johnson ‘won’ the vote but sufficiently poorly to be stripped of any remaining influence, power or necessary credibility.

Everyone with a political pulse knows Johnson is done for though anyone with a shred of decency knew this was not the kind of person who should ever lead a country. But the conman is out of con, the charlatan is out of charlie and I’d say the liar is exposed but Johnson’s inability – nay clinical aversion - to the truth – was a well-established fact long ago.

But the failure of the confidence vote to bring an end to the not-so-slow death of even the semblance of political decency is the worst of all possible worlds. The halfwits and the ‘red-wall’ intake of tory MPs nailed their colours to Johnson’s mast and know they’re only there because of his Brexit bombast, jingoism and swindling of the British public. Others – the cabinet lunatics such as Dorries, Raab, Zahawi have lied for him so often they perhaps half believe what they are saying about their glorious leader. But those who tried to vote him out are now in no-man’s land as is Britain. Only 40% of his own MPs openly support him. He is still there, still spewing out bile but he and his craven cabinet are now simply the talking dead.

If this is democracy – all four nations (two that most definitely did not vote for Brexit or Johnson) held to ransom for one nasty little man’s failed ego and delusions – we need a new definition.

Meanwhile, that other fiasco – the platinum jubilee…

If you are one of the folk who think the £2.9 billion (government estimate)  lost to the economy for the extra bank holiday weekend or the £28m Sunak found for the festivities while the rest of us cannot afford our energy bills or The Jubilee Pageant (£15million according to The Times) or the £22million earmarked by the nation al lottery – is money well spent at a time of economic crisis, social unrest, global climate crisis,  poverty – then this week’s post is not for you.

Never have I felt more like the silent scream in the Munch painting but that may  be because of the wall-to-wall monarchist slaver of the UK media – yes – the ones who  - especially the BBC - so pride themselves on balance and impartiality.

However

I tried to think of some appropriate way to mark the Jubilee. Obviously I do not use the word celebrate as I’m not really into celebrating privilege, protecting a creature who was into sex trafficked young women (who conveniently gov covid!), racism (recent – M Markle – and historic – all of history) and the ridiculous waste of money and attention when there are one or two things going on right now that require our serious concerns and full attention.

However, I came up with something.

On the first day of the tedious royalist weekend, I helped to remove an old pigeon shed.

Demolishing a no-longer appropriate, old, crumbling, rotten, structure that was taking up a great deal of space and possible growing room seemed – APPROPRIATE.

 

 

And – frankly – if her madge can afford to fork out £10million to pay off Andrew’s sex trafficked accuser – then I think she could have paid for all this smalchy pageant mush too… Duty - my arse.

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As always - do check out My BOOKS

NB - just a thought - I read an incidental piece about a young actor who reckoned she'd lost roles because of not having enough instagram followers... Also - I know of two people who - not only do not have smartphones or any social media (like moi) but have no mobile phones at all. So - I'll point out again - I am real. I do exist and - there are others OUT HERE...

438. Boris Johnson inches towards total FRUITCAKE!

So, the War in Ukraine slips inevitably down the list of things the media can focus on in this world of trivia and tiny attention spans.

More people in the UK sink into poverty and longevity in certain of the poorest parts reduces, NHS waiting lists grow, the obesity epidemic balloons, the health of children is compromised from all angles and access to dentistry is a matter of luck.

The mess the Brexit bastards have made in Ireland continues to cause devastating political problems that were entirely predicted by those with common sense back in 2016.

Vile and extraordinarily wealthy people continue to whine about the fecklessness of the poor. Among others there is the eye-wateringly tone-deaf MP Richard Drax who owns 2% of Dorset and whose historic wealth comes in part from Slavery. He was in Parliament last week complaining about the chancellor helping poor people (not that the poor have noticed as food and energy bills rise, amidst the cost of living crisis and energy companies continue to make staggering profits). But this dumb arse, whose ancestors were brutal economic parasites on my ancestors, reckons his lot (those who deserve to be wealthy!) should not see the country’s resources used to save people from cold, poverty, health degradation and hunger. Yeah – right…

The Sue Gray report into the government’s breaching of its own rules during covid was undermined before it was published by leaks of a meeting between the author of the report and the most prominent subject (the PM) of the supposedly independent investigation.

The full horrors of the Brexit trade catastrophe are due to hit us in the autumn as are the fuels price hikes and the cost of living crisis. 

Boris Johnson has decided that the answer to it all is to reintroduce imperial measurements. The fact that many imperial measurements never went away is entirely beside the point.

Yup. Measuring the  withered potatoes or rotting carrots or weeks-old meat shipped from Australia in pounds rather than kilos and putting a tape measure around an obese four-year-old’s waste that measures in inches rather than centimetres is the answer. Sure.

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As always thanks for reading and do check out my adult novels, children’s books and poetry anthologies. My BOOKS