442. Maddest, most hilarious news item this week!

OK – I know it’s only Tuesday.

And by hilarious I mean the kind of hilarity one might experience on the post-iceberg Titanic if someone tripped over their shoelace.

The report I’m referring to is a header this morning in The Independent stating that someone (ooooh) in the Conservative inner circle (oooooh) reckons Tory rebels will act – and I quote “lightning fast” (oooooh) if Boris Johnson is found to have lied to Parliament.

I’ve nothing really to add because crazy cannot be satirised as many before me have commented. Put aside the intrinsically ridiculous idea of a ‘Tory rebel’ when the whole shower of them are the most bent-over, crawling, craven, crass, cretinous bunch you ever regretted. The article just left me wondering whether Edinburgh council would act ‘lightning fast” if any more dog owners are found to have left giant amounts of dog shit on the pavements around where I live…

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Do remember to check out my adult novels, kids’ books, poetry anthologies  (plus there is a bit more biog) here My BOOKS 

CONTACT

I am available for spoken word comedy performance and editorial / comment articles. There is no social media link for me but communications will be forwarded to me from this email – edinburghfft@gmail.com

441. The disappearing Tory story!

 You couldn’t make it up but they could…

After the almost lazy disavowals, it was confirmed that The Times newspaper did remove a damaging story about Boris Johnson attempting to have Carrie Symonds (the future Mrs Johnson) appointed to the powerful and lucrative post of his chief of staff in 2018. 

Johnson was Foreign Secretary at the time. Those able to follow the spaghetti will recall it was as Foreign Secretary that he pissed all over the Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe situation, carelessly making it much worse than it already was. Making things much worse than they already are is Boris Johnson's super power. 

The withdrawal of The Times story was, despite denials, a decision made following direct pressure from Downing Street proving that Johnson isn't just an inveterate liar - he breeds lies.

In summary…

 

The disappearing Tory story

A saga of deceit so hoary

It creates no big furore,

Truth lies bleeding, sadly gory

More falsehoods for Jackanory

And when all is said and done

This aint no land of hope and glory

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Life truly is a Soap Opera !

440. A good friend wrecked an expensive new washing machine. Boris Johnson wrecked Britain. Difference? My friend feels bad…

 These things happen – to everyone. At least once.

With the kinds of young monsters that produce washing every day (otherwise known as children), my friend always knew he and his wife would run out of luck with their old and too-small washing machine. That day arrived a week ago. Further repairs seemed nonsensical and the painful decision was made to finally purchase a new machine with a larger drum load.

The machine arrived. My pal did the necessary, his wife gratefully loaded up a full wash.

HOWEVER, the transit bolts were not removed – as per the very evident and oft-repeated instructions. 

Now, my friend is a very capable person and understands machinery far more complex than a washing machine. It was one of those crap oversights that could happen to anyone who is working hard full-time in a relatively new job and having a few sleepless nights with a new baby and the normal trials and tribulations of a young family. Having said that, his wife is also tired – obviously - and juggled all the logistics of out with the old, in with the new while doing the run-around after all the kids. So, not a happy situation. The machine broke FULLY LOADED. It may be fixable it may not but the warranty is void...

They both felt terrible. The time. The waste. The stupid mistake. The hassle. The waste. The cost. THE WASTE. And so on.

Now.

Boris Johnson has wrecked Britain. Admittedly he didn’t do it on his own. The anti-working class rot set in with Thatcher and the sell off of the family silver (privatisation). 

Blair moved things along mightily with the illegal invasion of Iraq, global destabilisation, mass migration, growth of international terrorism yada yada yada - who cares - give the guy an honour. 

Clegg and Cameron also helped with an increase in tuition fees (introduced by Blair) helping to ensure that no working class person could compete on a level playing field with their privileged set. Cameron pig-head-fucker actually landed Brexit and then it was fast downhill from there with May (who also gave us the racist ‘go-home' vans and the nasty environment for immigrants when she was Home Secretary) helping boost racism ready for the mad sad bad Brexit yobs who took over after the 2016 vote. 

But – yes – with his more bare-faced lies and lack of any interest at all in anything but himeself – the top spot really has to go to Johnson as Wrecker-in-Chief.

Dishonourable mentions also go to others.

Matt Hancock dished out contracts worth millions during the pandemic to people who couldn’t provide the PPE they were paid for. What he enabled used to call that profiteering.

Priti Patel, current Home Secretary trying to send vulnerable folk to Rwanda where – according to one Tory commentator – the cost to the UK tax payer will exceed what it would cost to put these people up at The Ritz. And she is a vicious ignorant bully.

I wont go on as the dim and the dimmer are legion.

They feel nothing. Certainly not embarrassment or despondency or any sort of pain at their own catastrophic mismanagement and negligence. They certainly do not feel sick at the waste. But then, they are not wasting their money. They have plenty. They are flushing OUR money down the toilet. They don't feel bad. They feel nothing.

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Do remember to check out my adult novels, comedy writing, children's books and poetry anthologies here My BOOKS

And remember there are videos to go with my kids' poems. Fun Poems for Children all shot in my attic during the first lockdown.

439. Boris Johnson & the Talking Dead plus the best Jubilee Bash!

Yes, today is a double bill of truly British bollocks

First, the ‘confidence’ vote last night.

The results were pretty much what you would have predicted. A complete nothingness of spineless, craven non-entities producing another fine mess in that Johnson ‘won’ the vote but sufficiently poorly to be stripped of any remaining influence, power or necessary credibility.

Everyone with a political pulse knows Johnson is done for though anyone with a shred of decency knew this was not the kind of person who should ever lead a country. But the conman is out of con, the charlatan is out of charlie and I’d say the liar is exposed but Johnson’s inability – nay clinical aversion - to the truth – was a well-established fact long ago.

But the failure of the confidence vote to bring an end to the not-so-slow death of even the semblance of political decency is the worst of all possible worlds. The halfwits and the ‘red-wall’ intake of tory MPs nailed their colours to Johnson’s mast and know they’re only there because of his Brexit bombast, jingoism and swindling of the British public. Others – the cabinet lunatics such as Dorries, Raab, Zahawi have lied for him so often they perhaps half believe what they are saying about their glorious leader. But those who tried to vote him out are now in no-man’s land as is Britain. Only 40% of his own MPs openly support him. He is still there, still spewing out bile but he and his craven cabinet are now simply the talking dead.

If this is democracy – all four nations (two that most definitely did not vote for Brexit or Johnson) held to ransom for one nasty little man’s failed ego and delusions – we need a new definition.

Meanwhile, that other fiasco – the platinum jubilee…

If you are one of the folk who think the £2.9 billion (government estimate)  lost to the economy for the extra bank holiday weekend or the £28m Sunak found for the festivities while the rest of us cannot afford our energy bills or The Jubilee Pageant (£15million according to The Times) or the £22million earmarked by the nation al lottery – is money well spent at a time of economic crisis, social unrest, global climate crisis,  poverty – then this week’s post is not for you.

Never have I felt more like the silent scream in the Munch painting but that may  be because of the wall-to-wall monarchist slaver of the UK media – yes – the ones who  - especially the BBC - so pride themselves on balance and impartiality.

However

I tried to think of some appropriate way to mark the Jubilee. Obviously I do not use the word celebrate as I’m not really into celebrating privilege, protecting a creature who was into sex trafficked young women (who conveniently gov covid!), racism (recent – M Markle – and historic – all of history) and the ridiculous waste of money and attention when there are one or two things going on right now that require our serious concerns and full attention.

However, I came up with something.

On the first day of the tedious royalist weekend, I helped to remove an old pigeon shed.

Demolishing a no-longer appropriate, old, crumbling, rotten, structure that was taking up a great deal of space and possible growing room seemed – APPROPRIATE.

 

 

And – frankly – if her madge can afford to fork out £10million to pay off Andrew’s sex trafficked accuser – then I think she could have paid for all this smalchy pageant mush too… Duty - my arse.

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As always - do check out My BOOKS

NB - just a thought - I read an incidental piece about a young actor who reckoned she'd lost roles because of not having enough instagram followers... Also - I know of two people who - not only do not have smartphones or any social media (like moi) but have no mobile phones at all. So - I'll point out again - I am real. I do exist and - there are others OUT HERE...

438. Boris Johnson inches towards total FRUITCAKE!

So, the War in Ukraine slips inevitably down the list of things the media can focus on in this world of trivia and tiny attention spans.

More people in the UK sink into poverty and longevity in certain of the poorest parts reduces, NHS waiting lists grow, the obesity epidemic balloons, the health of children is compromised from all angles and access to dentistry is a matter of luck.

The mess the Brexit bastards have made in Ireland continues to cause devastating political problems that were entirely predicted by those with common sense back in 2016.

Vile and extraordinarily wealthy people continue to whine about the fecklessness of the poor. Among others there is the eye-wateringly tone-deaf MP Richard Drax who owns 2% of Dorset and whose historic wealth comes in part from Slavery. He was in Parliament last week complaining about the chancellor helping poor people (not that the poor have noticed as food and energy bills rise, amidst the cost of living crisis and energy companies continue to make staggering profits). But this dumb arse, whose ancestors were brutal economic parasites on my ancestors, reckons his lot (those who deserve to be wealthy!) should not see the country’s resources used to save people from cold, poverty, health degradation and hunger. Yeah – right…

The Sue Gray report into the government’s breaching of its own rules during covid was undermined before it was published by leaks of a meeting between the author of the report and the most prominent subject (the PM) of the supposedly independent investigation.

The full horrors of the Brexit trade catastrophe are due to hit us in the autumn as are the fuels price hikes and the cost of living crisis. 

Boris Johnson has decided that the answer to it all is to reintroduce imperial measurements. The fact that many imperial measurements never went away is entirely beside the point.

Yup. Measuring the  withered potatoes or rotting carrots or weeks-old meat shipped from Australia in pounds rather than kilos and putting a tape measure around an obese four-year-old’s waste that measures in inches rather than centimetres is the answer. Sure.

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As always thanks for reading and do check out my adult novels, children’s books and poetry anthologies. My BOOKS

437. Jubilee celebrations are in the worst possible taste.

I remember our street having a party for the queen’s silver jubilee in 1977. I even have the coin we were all given – I think you can buy them for about £4 on ebay now.

But then I was a child. It was a party, there was food. It was fun. A little earlier than this I also received a letter from her maj (or one of her ladies in waiting at the time) in response to one I’d written. And – I am – as any regular readers will know – a prolific letter writer with my missives published in most of the main UK papers, Scottish papers – and even a couple times in New York and Jamaica – like this one George Floyd couldn't breathe - Prince Andrew can't sweat

But the thing is I am a sentient adult now. I realise that while celebrating unearned wealth and privilege is a bit mad at the best of times, at time when increasing numbers of her majesty’s ‘subjects' cannot afford to eat or pay bills, there is something so unbelievable vulgar about the whole thing it almost defies description. So that is why I shall not waste words but simply post a recent letter of mine published last week in The Herald -

 

Dear Editor,

AS we mindlessly blunder into the Jubilee ‘celebrations’, as we seem to mindlessly blunder into a lot of things these days, has anyone stopped to ask if it is appropriate?

There is an horrific war on Europe’s borders. You know, the one the Prime Minister keeps using as a smokescreen for everything he doesn’t want to deal with.

There is a cost-of-living crisis, and a crisis in Ireland. People cannot afford to heat their homes or to eat. The NHS is on its knees. Families are daily sinking into poverty and debt.

The full impact of Brexit is not yet upon us – as the “overgrown prefect” pointed out, we are still in the pre-horror period of full impact.

Is this really the time for the nation to be gloating over unearned wealth and privilege? Because it seems like the worst possible taste to me.

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as always - do check out My BOOKS Thanks.

436. The Rich are so CHEAP.

The Johnson’s wanted £850 per roll gold wallpaper in the Downing St flat having sneered at the John Lewis stuff left by Theresa May. However, the idea that they should pay for it – as per the rules – seemed to appal them. Boris Johnson tried to get a Tory donor to foot the bill (and wanted – apparently – someone to fork out for childcare for the latest addition to his un-numbered spawn).

‘Sir’ Philip Green clearly felt he was entitled to a bigger yacht and asset stripped BHS including wiping out the pensions of long-suffering staff – some of whom had worked for BHS for decades. See my post Does Sir Philip Green kick disabled kittens? 'Sir' Phil was not stripped of his title despite complaints - and one can only assume its becasue the wealthy/powerful find this behaviour entirely acceptable.

Jimmy Carr who famously was caught out tax dodging – despite being a wealthy man from a privileged background with a successful career, nevertheless recently threw victims of The Holocaust under the bus in order – it seems – to draw more attention to himself and his Netflix show. More attention = more money. And while – as they all do – he gloated about being ‘cancelled’ in fact he predicted it with a relish that revealed a deliberate ruse to gain attention as cheaply as possible – and I use the term CHEAP here in all its meanings.

Last week, Naomi Long, the leader of the NI Alliance Party pointed out that the DUP, currently holding Ireland to ransom over the NI protocol, are refusing to take their seats in Stormont. They are refusing to start working on the long list of social problems facing ordinary Irish people. They did, however, rock up long enough to sign for and collect their salaries. No one is suggesting that an MPs salary on its own would make someone wealthy but compared to many of their struggling constituents they are doing well from the public purse – while paralysing the country.

Tory MP Lee Anderson while celebrating foodbanks (!) claimed that the real problem is lack of cooking skills. He deliberately ignores the massive rise in the prevalence and use of foodbanks since the Tories came to power and the rise in numbers forced into poverty and the disaster of Universal Credit etc.  And, while taking the Dickensian approach blaming the ‘undeserving poor’ this guy claims – on top of his MP’s salary – hundreds of thousands of pounds in expenses. Check out my post – Bad memories of political bullying

Rishi Sunak – who has been a previous subject on this blog – is presiding over benefit cuts and a rise in poverty and destitution and a cost of living crisis while enjoying extreme family wealth. Nevertheless, the Sunaks went to some lengths to ensure that none of that money ended up - via the legal tax system -  anywhere near silly projects like the NHS or schools.

And don’t get me started on all the nonsense surrounding the Jubilee. Put aside the racism and the clear royal preference for Prince paeodo over a strong black woman (Monitoring the skin tone of Megan's baby ) – some of those employed by one of the wealthiest women in the world earn just below or barely above the Living Wage. You think folk would be freer with money they hadn’t actually earned themselves. But no. The well-off are cheap and the rich are cheaper. 

There is more than enough to go around at least there would be if a handful of entitled, privileged, greedy, corrupt, people didn’t hoard excessive amounts of money and resources and then feel entitled to even more.. .

They rich are so CHEAP.

The richer they are the cheaper they seem to be and that is the real sickener in a world where the struggle just to survive is getting harder and the wealth gap is now a chasm.

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I said a couple posts back that I’d post a clip if I managed to get some footage from my short set at the comedy club in Dundee and I have little bit. And Mr Carr gets a mention after an interesting mix up by one of the club’s organisers!!! Click the lik to have a look. Aspirational Bathroom

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