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Tuesday, 1 March 2016

176. Bad Hair / Nasty Blair & Merkel’s Mercy

At the start of the 90s (1990s not 1790s) when I first encountered Tony Blair he had bad hair. It was hair that said ambition, ambition, ambition but only because I’m too posh to be a rock star. Add to that the image-is-more-important-than-testicles trousers and well... But there was always something not right about the hair. Years later in that thin interview with Andrew Marr Sept 2010 Tony was cleaner cropped. Maybe someone told him that would appear more honest but he squirmed in his chair, physically dodging truth and reality; negating the trim. By 2015 when he thought (didn’t we all) that we’d soon have the loooong awaited Chilcot report – the hair was back, dangerously close to a mullet, along with his version of an apolo-xcuse.

More recently I was again unwillingly mesmerised by an image of the oozing-out-of-a-sewer Trump face with the orange birds’ nest topping, in an online news piece. At the same time more Savile horrors were on the radio and I had one of my road to Damascus moments. (No I don’t mean I was an innocent civilian getting slaughtered in Syria). I realised that a lot of bad bad men have give-away hair. We should take notice.

Savile, with his thin straggling white strands, had the hair Voldemort might have had before he went bald. Trump has – as we all know – the unhinged I’ve-been-tango’d / whipped floss arrangement that just shouts out LOCK ME UP when it can get a word in (unless you’re a rabid right wing American).

Gadhafi and Rasputin both had terrible hair.

It doesn’t work for women. Lots of dreadful women have good hair (Sarah Palin, Katie Hopkins have ok hair. Cersei Lannister has fab hair.) Merkel on the other hand has unremarkable hair and is turning out to be the angel of Europe and the conscience of the West. But from cruel and evil men to the merely smug and self-interested and many in between, bad blokes all seem to have hirsute horrors.

UK Chancellor my-family-firm-doesn’t-pay-taxes Osborne is obviously wearing the ill-fitting scalp of a zombie doll he keeps in a basement.

Sepp Blatter and Putin try with the comb-over and Kim Jong un has a Father Ted Elvis on top with a neo-Nazi shave at the sides.

As we are globally engulfed by the carnage resulting from out-of-control political testosterone, it is the female German première singularly providing humane leadership.  Yesterday we saw footage of properly documented migrants, including children, fleeing Syrian and Iraqi terror being tear-gassed on the Macedonian border by European guards. Yet again it was Merkel saying what must be said, trying to do what must be done in the name of decency.

Nelson Mandela had great hair when I met him in 1994 in Glasgow. (Yes I am name-dropping like a shallow celebrity columnist this week). My dad had good hair and my partner has no hair and he’s lovely, ditto Ghandi. So- you see?

Boris me me me me Johnson has that over-combed miscellaneous animal skin rug thing crammed down onto his pate making everything bulge out at the bottom. With that fleshy mouth, jowly jaw and pudgy fists he’s like a very ugly baby slug in a bonnet that’s gone all wrong.

And it seems to be any hair above the chin not necessarily on the head. Hitler had the worst facial hair ever.

Aha – I hear you cry – Bashar al-Assad is a murdering bastard but his head hair is not too bad. Yet here is one with a special place reserved in hell because like other full-on psycho types he likes to kill his own people but he has reasonable hair. You think you have disproved my theory. Wrong. The top 1/3 of BaA’s head belongs to one man and the bottom 2/3, including those low low low down ears, different colour moustache (with Hilteresque echoes), tape-worm mouth and no- chin chin quite clearly belong to another – the devil’s nephew.

Suffice to say, where men are concerned - BEWARE THE HAIR.


  1. Oh, I'm going to be thinking about this as I head out to the Democratic caucus tonight in Minnesota, grateful that my chosen political party does not include he-who-shall-not-be-named who wants to make America great again. I have long compared his ungodly locks to what happens when one skins a skunk that has been run over on a busy highway. He may have dyed the hair, but he still stinks.

  2. we feel for you sensible america....