...and why you should never buy the Big Issue!
Perhaps there is no such thing as society for ‘Thatcher’s children’. Maybe you can’t find a free lunch in today’s global village of the damned but for one week only, here is your chance to gain a free PhD in Contemporary Western Consumerism.
No Tuition Fees. No crippling student debt and just like a normal 21st century qualification – no guarantee that having it will lead to a better job than the one you might or might not have got if you’d left school at 14 / 16 / 18 (depending on the stance of the government of the day in keeping youngsters out of the job market statistics).
Signing up is unnecessary. There is no fresher’s week or rag week to survive. By the time you realise it was all a mistake this course will be complete.
Unlike the OU there are no summer schools for adults who missed out on irresponsible sex and alcohol and unlike those become-an-expert-quick courses there is no weekend away. I haven’t made this up after attending a correspondence course on how to make stuff up and get other people to believe it.
Just work your way methodically through the following 10-point module then claim your free BGOTR PhD by adding the letters BGOTR PhD to any letterhead or e-mail footnote or to your facebook page or have it tattooed on your tongue.
There is no need to make notes or remember anything.
There is no exam and anyway I wouldn’t mark it.
1. If you hear any reports of bankers not being punished for decimating the global economy or not being sent to jail for criminal activity or still receiving bonuses despite being bailed out by taxpayers, tut and roll your eyes. If on the other hand you hear a report about foreigners or disabled people or the long-term unemployed receiving benefits, get really irate and indignant.
2. Drag young children around shops. Spend the rest of the time asking them what they want to eat/wear/buy/do or where they want to go until you have pre-programmed them for an adult life of wanting stuff forever with no hope of any sense of fulfilment.
3. Replace your sofa before it’s knackered. In fact regard your furniture as just another fashion item that must be kept up to date or your neighbours and friends will sneer. Put aside any notion that it’s just there to sit on and be comfortable.
4. If you are in debt get a new credit card.
5. When planning a wedding or hen/stag 'do' make sure your friends need to hijack Securicor simply to afford to attend. And remember – even if you work for an ordinary wage or are just starting out in life, getting in to debt for a ‘D’ list celebrity-look wedding is even more sensible than getting into debt in order to keep up with fashion and slightly less sensible than getting in to debt for an education.
6. From the age of about 16 there is of course body issue spending. Why wait until you are forty something to butcher yourself, freeze your face, bleach your teeth. There is no part of your body you need feel comfortable about. No one is perfect but everyone should strive to be. If it aint like in the magazines chop it up or off or fill it with something. For girls think ‘Barbie’ for boys think ‘boy band’. Sex and attraction are irrelevant. YES obviously some of these procedures will make you truly repulsive to anyone at all never mind a potential partner – many of them will very definitely reduce sexual / sensual enjoyment – but hey – when was that ever the issue. Pay attention. No talking at the back.
7. It goes without saying you must have a feature car / phone / i-pad etc etc etc. Shiny gadgets all round the kitchen (sufficient for a professional chef even if you only ever make beans on toast) are essential. Lots of new make-up (apparently it goes off!) If you don’t already realise you need to buy new clothes on at least a weekly basis you better stop right here, there is no hope for you. For heaven’s sake don’t look in a mirror and try and judge for yourself if something suits you WHAT IS THE POINT OF THAT? Just buy it if it’s in fashion and bloody well get rid of it when it’s not. And just stuff and more stuff and if it’s electrical all the better (guys I know you don’t need to be told that but some of the women!!!)
8. Food. Just a quickie on this. Mainly you simply always need to be thinking about what you want to eat and not eating something that you already had once that week. Wander round the supermarket – preferably in a couple or WITH the kids, meander up and down the aisles disagreeing on what you want until you’ve got a bit of everything in the trolley. That way when it ends up getting chucked, it will smell… interesting. Eat out OBVIOUSLY as often as possible. Buy organic food that is heavily packaged so that it’s absorbed more chemicals from the wrapping than it could possibly ever have absorbed while growing OBVIOUSLY. Buy diet products, fat-reduced products and sugar-reduced products and things which say ‘BE GOOD TO YOURSELF’ on them in pastel colours because that way it’ll be someone else’s fault when you put on weight and ALWAYS purchase the buy-one-get-one-free items. That way at least a third of the stuff in the bin at the end of the week didn’t cost you anything.
9. Never walk anywhere if you can get in the car and drive to a car park and then walk from there.
10. And never NEVER buy the Big Issue. If you haven’t caught on yet – they ALL have Limousines and penthouse apartments and butlers and the only reason they are selling the Big Issue is because they are bored of champagne and need change for the parking space outside their accountant’s office where they get tax avoidance advice in exchange for a free copy of the Big Issue.
Subsidiary information can be gained from
If you have not run down the street naked, screaming, drooling and tearing out your hair you are now a BGOTR PhD.