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Tuesday 28 June 2022

442. Maddest, most hilarious news item this week!

OK – I know it’s only Tuesday.

And by hilarious I mean the kind of hilarity one might experience on the post-iceberg Titanic if someone tripped over their shoelace.

The report I’m referring to is a header this morning in The Independent stating that someone (ooooh) in the Conservative inner circle (oooooh) reckons Tory rebels will act – and I quote “lightning fast” (oooooh) if Boris Johnson is found to have lied to Parliament.

I’ve nothing really to add because crazy cannot be satirised as many before me have commented. Put aside the intrinsically ridiculous idea of a ‘Tory rebel’ when the whole shower of them are the most bent-over, crawling, craven, crass, cretinous bunch you ever regretted. The article just left me wondering whether Edinburgh council would act ‘lightning fast” if any more dog owners are found to have left giant amounts of dog shit on the pavements around where I live…



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Do remember to check out my adult novels, kids’ books, poetry anthologies  (plus there is a bit more biog) here My BOOKS 

CONTACT

I am available for spoken word comedy performance and editorial / comment articles. There is no social media link for me but communications will be forwarded to me from this email – edinburghfft@gmail.com

Tuesday 21 June 2022

441. The disappearing Tory story!

 You couldn’t make it up but they could…

After the almost lazy disavowals, it was confirmed that The Times newspaper did remove a damaging story about Boris Johnson attempting to have Carrie Symonds (the future Mrs Johnson) appointed to the powerful and lucrative post of his chief of staff in 2018. 

Johnson was Foreign Secretary at the time. Those able to follow the spaghetti will recall it was as Foreign Secretary that he pissed all over the Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe situation, carelessly making it much worse than it already was. Making things much worse than they already are is Boris Johnson's super power. 

The withdrawal of The Times story was, despite denials, a decision made following direct pressure from Downing Street proving that Johnson isn't just an inveterate liar - he breeds lies.

In summary…

 

The disappearing Tory story

A saga of deceit so hoary

It creates no big furore,

Truth lies bleeding, sadly gory

More falsehoods for Jackanory

And when all is said and done

This aint no land of hope and glory


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Life truly is a Soap Opera !


Tuesday 14 June 2022

440. A good friend wrecked an expensive new washing machine. Boris Johnson wrecked Britain. Difference? My friend feels bad…

 These things happen – to everyone. At least once.

With the kinds of young monsters that produce washing every day (otherwise known as children), my friend always knew he and his wife would run out of luck with their old and too-small washing machine. That day arrived a week ago. Further repairs seemed nonsensical and the painful decision was made to finally purchase a new machine with a larger drum load.

The machine arrived. My pal did the necessary, his wife gratefully loaded up a full wash.

HOWEVER, the transit bolts were not removed – as per the very evident and oft-repeated instructions. 

Now, my friend is a very capable person and understands machinery far more complex than a washing machine. It was one of those crap oversights that could happen to anyone who is working hard full-time in a relatively new job and having a few sleepless nights with a new baby and the normal trials and tribulations of a young family. Having said that, his wife is also tired – obviously - and juggled all the logistics of out with the old, in with the new while doing the run-around after all the kids. So, not a happy situation. The machine broke FULLY LOADED. It may be fixable it may not but the warranty is void...

They both felt terrible. The time. The waste. The stupid mistake. The hassle. The waste. The cost. THE WASTE. And so on.

Now.

Boris Johnson has wrecked Britain. Admittedly he didn’t do it on his own. The anti-working class rot set in with Thatcher and the sell off of the family silver (privatisation). 

Blair moved things along mightily with the illegal invasion of Iraq, global destabilisation, mass migration, growth of international terrorism yada yada yada - who cares - give the guy an honour. 

Clegg and Cameron also helped with an increase in tuition fees (introduced by Blair) helping to ensure that no working class person could compete on a level playing field with their privileged set. Cameron pig-head-fucker actually landed Brexit and then it was fast downhill from there with May (who also gave us the racist ‘go-home' vans and the nasty environment for immigrants when she was Home Secretary) helping boost racism ready for the mad sad bad Brexit yobs who took over after the 2016 vote. 

But – yes – with his more bare-faced lies and lack of any interest at all in anything but himeself – the top spot really has to go to Johnson as Wrecker-in-Chief.

Dishonourable mentions also go to others.

Matt Hancock dished out contracts worth millions during the pandemic to people who couldn’t provide the PPE they were paid for. What he enabled used to call that profiteering.

Priti Patel, current Home Secretary trying to send vulnerable folk to Rwanda where – according to one Tory commentator – the cost to the UK tax payer will exceed what it would cost to put these people up at The Ritz. And she is a vicious ignorant bully.

I wont go on as the dim and the dimmer are legion.

They feel nothing. Certainly not embarrassment or despondency or any sort of pain at their own catastrophic mismanagement and negligence. They certainly do not feel sick at the waste. But then, they are not wasting their money. They have plenty. They are flushing OUR money down the toilet. They don't feel bad. They feel nothing.

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Do remember to check out my adult novels, comedy writing, children's books and poetry anthologies here My BOOKS

And remember there are videos to go with my kids' poems. Fun Poems for Children all shot in my attic during the first lockdown.


Tuesday 7 June 2022

439. Boris Johnson & the Talking Dead plus the best Jubilee Bash!

Yes, today is a double bill of truly British bollocks

First, the ‘confidence’ vote last night.

The results were pretty much what you would have predicted. A complete nothingness of spineless, craven non-entities producing another fine mess in that Johnson ‘won’ the vote but sufficiently poorly to be stripped of any remaining influence, power or necessary credibility.

Everyone with a political pulse knows Johnson is done for though anyone with a shred of decency knew this was not the kind of person who should ever lead a country. But the conman is out of con, the charlatan is out of charlie and I’d say the liar is exposed but Johnson’s inability – nay clinical aversion - to the truth – was a well-established fact long ago.

But the failure of the confidence vote to bring an end to the not-so-slow death of even the semblance of political decency is the worst of all possible worlds. The halfwits and the ‘red-wall’ intake of tory MPs nailed their colours to Johnson’s mast and know they’re only there because of his Brexit bombast, jingoism and swindling of the British public. Others – the cabinet lunatics such as Dorries, Raab, Zahawi have lied for him so often they perhaps half believe what they are saying about their glorious leader. But those who tried to vote him out are now in no-man’s land as is Britain. Only 40% of his own MPs openly support him. He is still there, still spewing out bile but he and his craven cabinet are now simply the talking dead.

If this is democracy – all four nations (two that most definitely did not vote for Brexit or Johnson) held to ransom for one nasty little man’s failed ego and delusions – we need a new definition.

Meanwhile, that other fiasco – the platinum jubilee…

If you are one of the folk who think the £2.9 billion (government estimate)  lost to the economy for the extra bank holiday weekend or the £28m Sunak found for the festivities while the rest of us cannot afford our energy bills or The Jubilee Pageant (£15million according to The Times) or the £22million earmarked by the nation al lottery – is money well spent at a time of economic crisis, social unrest, global climate crisis,  poverty – then this week’s post is not for you.

Never have I felt more like the silent scream in the Munch painting but that may  be because of the wall-to-wall monarchist slaver of the UK media – yes – the ones who  - especially the BBC - so pride themselves on balance and impartiality.

However

I tried to think of some appropriate way to mark the Jubilee. Obviously I do not use the word celebrate as I’m not really into celebrating privilege, protecting a creature who was into sex trafficked young women (who conveniently gov covid!), racism (recent – M Markle – and historic – all of history) and the ridiculous waste of money and attention when there are one or two things going on right now that require our serious concerns and full attention.

However, I came up with something.

On the first day of the tedious royalist weekend, I helped to remove an old pigeon shed.

Demolishing a no-longer appropriate, old, crumbling, rotten, structure that was taking up a great deal of space and possible growing room seemed – APPROPRIATE.

 

 


And – frankly – if her madge can afford to fork out £10million to pay off Andrew’s sex trafficked accuser – then I think she could have paid for all this smalchy pageant mush too… Duty - my arse.


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As always - do check out My BOOKS

NB - just a thought - I read an incidental piece about a young actor who reckoned she'd lost roles because of not having enough instagram followers... Also - I know of two people who - not only do not have smartphones or any social media (like moi) but have no mobile phones at all. So - I'll point out again - I am real. I do exist and - there are others OUT HERE...