At the start of the 90s
(1990s not 1790s) when I first encountered Tony Blair he had bad hair. It was
hair that said ambition, ambition, ambition but only because I’m too posh to be
a rock star. Add to that the image-is-more-important-than-testicles trousers
and well... But there was always something not right about the hair. Years
later in that thin interview with Andrew Marr Sept 2010 Tony was cleaner
cropped. Maybe someone told him that would appear more honest but he squirmed
in his chair, physically dodging truth and reality; negating the trim. By 2015
when he thought (didn’t we all) that we’d soon have the loooong awaited Chilcot
report – the hair was back, dangerously close to a mullet, along with his version
of an apolo-xcuse.
More recently I was again unwillingly mesmerised by
an image of the oozing-out-of-a-sewer Trump face with the orange birds’ nest
topping, in an online news piece. At the same time more Savile horrors were on
the radio and I had one of my road to
Damascus moments. (No I don’t mean I was an innocent civilian getting
slaughtered in Syria). I realised that a lot of bad bad men have give-away
hair. We should take notice.
Savile, with his thin straggling white strands, had
the hair Voldemort might have had before he went bald. Trump has – as we all
know – the unhinged I’ve-been-tango’d / whipped floss arrangement that just shouts
out LOCK ME UP when it can get a word in (unless you’re a rabid right wing
American).
Gadhafi and Rasputin both had terrible hair.
It doesn’t work for women. Lots of dreadful women
have good hair (Sarah Palin, Katie Hopkins have ok hair. Cersei Lannister has
fab hair.) Merkel on the other hand has unremarkable hair and is turning out to
be the angel of Europe and the conscience of the West. But from cruel and evil
men to the merely smug and self-interested and many in between, bad blokes all
seem to have hirsute horrors.
UK Chancellor
my-family-firm-doesn’t-pay-taxes Osborne is obviously wearing the ill-fitting scalp of
a zombie doll he keeps in a basement.
Sepp Blatter and Putin
try with the comb-over and Kim Jong un has a Father Ted Elvis on top with a neo-Nazi
shave at the sides.
As we are globally engulfed by the carnage resulting
from out-of-control political testosterone, it is the female German première singularly providing humane leadership.
Yesterday we saw footage of properly documented migrants, including
children, fleeing Syrian and Iraqi terror being tear-gassed on the Macedonian
border by European guards. Yet again it was Merkel saying what must be said,
trying to do what must be done in the name of decency.
Nelson Mandela had great hair when I met him in 1994
in Glasgow. (Yes I am name-dropping like a shallow celebrity columnist this
week). My dad had good hair and my partner has no hair and he’s lovely, ditto
Ghandi. So- you see?
Boris me me me me
Johnson has that over-combed miscellaneous animal skin rug thing crammed down
onto his pate making everything bulge out at the bottom. With that fleshy mouth,
jowly jaw and pudgy fists he’s like a very ugly baby slug in a bonnet that’s
gone all wrong.
And it seems to be any
hair above the chin not necessarily on the head. Hitler had the worst facial
hair ever.
Aha – I hear you cry – Bashar
al-Assad is a murdering bastard but his head hair is not too bad. Yet here is one
with a special place reserved in hell because like other full-on psycho types
he likes to kill his own people but he has reasonable hair. You think you have
disproved my theory. Wrong. The top 1/3 of BaA’s head belongs to one man and
the bottom 2/3, including those low low low down ears, different colour moustache
(with Hilteresque echoes), tape-worm mouth and no- chin chin quite clearly
belong to another – the devil’s nephew.
Suffice to say, where
men are concerned - BEWARE THE HAIR.