14 ways to get into celebrity magazines...
If you've ever wondered what gets a woman into a glossy magazine, some of the most likely reasons are listed below.
‘Research’ for this blog entailed leafing
reluctantly through dog-eared, cast off copies of celebrity magazines. I am now certain that there is a recognisable
condition we should call Magazine Misery
– a state induced by the relentless, masochistic, misogynistic poison peddled
by these rags.
From the psychotic obsession with dieting to the
normalisation of unnecessary cosmetic surgery (talking about ‘new boobs’ now seems to take on the same
tone as discussing the latest pair of shoes), these glossies sponsor women’s
wretchedness.
Picking one magazine at random it appeared that – whatever your height - you were supposed to weigh around 8 stone. In one
article featuring a dozen celebrity women ranging from 5ft 3 to 5ft 11, the
majority were in the 8 stone bracket (including the one who was 5ft 11). Two
were at or close to 7 st (yes SEVEN STONE) and one – the only one not baring
flesh – weighed in at 9st 7lb. It’s weird because I recently had a medical, was
pronounced healthy and yet would weigh in at about 2 – 3 stone heavier than most
of these women – even the ones taller than me.
While torturing young females with images of popular
women who have the BMI of an average 10 year old, these rags dangle the idea that
if you just spend a little more money/effort, apply this make-up – if your tits
were just that bit bigger, you too could be between these bright shiny pages
and your life would be worthwhile.
And while young men are increasingly under pressure
to live up to unrealistic body images, the main target for the sugar-coated image
Kalashnikov remains young women.
This is particularly depressing because - well its
2015. Why do we give a shit that ‘Marnie’ “...lost 17lbs in 4 weeks” when we know she will only be note worthy
again if she is “guilty about
sugar-fuelled weight gain” or is looking “worryingly thin”.
The magazine mind miasma also explains why a recent
campaign was able to label women brave
for going without make-up (which I do 99.9% of the time) and why women like me
who go round with their hair obviously turning grey might get the impression we
are letting the side down. Getting older and not having a perfect appearance is
definitely starting to feel like a crime.
We all know the list of events that will get a young
starlet in the glossies and it’s not her talent.
- Shagging a famous bloke still seems to be top of the list
- Looking gorgeous / awful
- Being too fat / thin
- Exposing private body parts
- Having non-medical plastic surgery or speculation about same
- Having a public spat with another ‘celebrity’
- Finding Mr Right
- Getting married ostentatiously
- Being pregnant in trendy clothes
- Looking fabulous immediately after the birth
- Publically acknowledging he was Mr. Wrong
- Getting divorced
- Having another boob job
- Proclamation of ‘availability’ for the next Mr Right
It’s depressing just making the list.
From a soap actress with her “Towie Hunk” (is that a brand of canoe?) to a
princess with a “blooming bump” it seems that getting hooked up and knocked up
– which I thought everyone did all the time -
is somehow noteworthy if you've ever been on the telly. And if you are
female – regardless of whether your fame is earned or accidental, you are an
object to be judged primarily on physical appearance before, during and after
any life event - Help.
For a minute of silly fem-fun check out BG comedy
poem for this week –
Magazine
Misery