Following the recent hoo-hah over an unofficial
biography of HRH Charley by some mad stalking bint called Mayers – the heir
apparent has apparently let it be known that he ‘knows how to be king’.
Well – I’m pretty sure I’d know how to be queen –
should the situation ever arise. I was, after all, on the front page of my
local paper when I was 8 because I sent a letter to (and received a reply from)
QEII.
Not only could I let all my family be supported by
the state and live in a big house for free with people to bow to me and wipe my
bum - my birthday is even on the same day as the queen’s. So - er – zeitgeist I
think. Destiny. Fate. Providence.
I would do more than just be queen bee. Once in
situ I would restore a proper monarchy; do away with this ridiculous celebrity-magazine
nonsense. It's cruel to continue with a situation where they get all our dosh but are just cardboard cut-outs in
daft clothes behaving like they were pickled in the 1950s.
And I would rule better than anyone.
Recently I heard Nickers Clegg pitching his election
promises. After I stopped laughing I
made a list of my new better-than-everyone-else queenly way of ruling Britain -
I would – like Nickers – promise to cut less than
the tories and spend less than labour.
I would be less faux-fascist than Farage.
I’d be more Mother earth than the greens.
I’d be more leprechaun than Fine Gael.
I’d be more haggis than the SNP.
I’d enforce Magna Carta so that we no longer have a
situation where people on benefits are hounded to death for small debts they
can’t pay while rich people get a polite
request from HMRC for taxes they deliberately side-stepped.
I’d be more chocolate than Charlie.
More tennis than Serena and Venus.
More enigmatic than the enigma code.
Thinner than a model’s personality.
Fatter than a tax-avoiders off-shore bank account.
Softer than ‘hands that do dishes’.
Harder than an action hero’s chin stubble.
In the same way Tories argue that Scottish
politicians shouldn't be allowed to vote on ‘English’ issues - I’d rule that
you couldn't vote on anything to do with the NHS if you have private health
insurance. Ditto education.
Tax avoiders would be rounded up and sent off to
live (with all the other selfish spiteful people) on an atoll made entirely of
money, adrift in shark-infested waters.
I’d be truer than Atticus Finch.
Faster than Usaine Bolt.
Calmer than Angela Merkel.
Braver than Frodo (and I would do even better death
scenes than Sean Bean).
Sadly because my family is very mixed I can’t promise
the in-breeding thing BUT...
I’d make sure everyone got at least one hug a day
and everything including the internet and Stephen Fry’s gob would be closed on
a Sunday.
I’d be the bestist queen ever ever ever.
God save me