Be more sparkly and gorgeous, attractive to the
opposite sex, rich maybe even discover you have secret magic powers and can
speak to kangaroos… with the BGOTR New Year super plan.
Yes – now the season of first world excess is a dull
memory and Brits have a sickening hangover caused by 2016 – it’s time
for the self-flagellation which is as much a part of January as an empty bank
account and an extra inch round the midriff. So, like the shops that encouraged
you to stuff your face, overspend, and stock up with crap in December, I too am
now offering help to shed pounds, clear out and get shiny and new in mind and
body. But my method does not involve expensive diet products, Yoga balls or an
electric juicer.
Just follow this 5-step, painless, money saving,
energizing programme.
1. STOP
buying shit you don’t need and didn’t even know you wanted until some swanky
advertising agency turned that product into a glitzy, hysterical, two-minute
sleight-of-hand fantasy on the telly.
2. If
you are not, yourself, a tax-avoiding, xenophobic knacker STOP buying The Daily
Mail. And if you are not white, middle-class, male, privileged and/or living in
London had you thought to STOP paying your BBC licence fee? Or even if you are
just tired of ‘news’ content made up of Farage soundbites or stuff you read on
the internet three days previously or comedy that sounds like it was made up in
a private school common room on a wet Tuesday lunchtime.
3. STOP
blaming immigrants for everything that is wrong with the UK and START blaming
the folk who actually wrecked the economy. If you can’t remember who that was
Google 2008 and ‘banks’.
4. Your
kids don’t need to go to Disneyland or force down a MacDonald’s 'happy meal' to
love you. Just STOP spending all your time with your face in your phone.
5. If
you are the Prime Minister Theresa May or the so-called leader of the
opposition Jeremy Corbyn STOP attempting to lead by stumbling three steps
behind every passing bandwagon. And take some
It’s-not-1975 therapy – you are making the rest of us feel sick.
Plus – while I am in my helpful January mood - here are
some helpful tips if you are not an individual but a country. I’ll call this
the DON’T section.
1. If
you are lucky enough to live in a functioning democracy DON’T elect a tweeting
sociopath (woops). Also – don’t complain about other countries interfering in
your elections when you’ve spent the last 4 decades doing the same.
2. If
you are a large country in the southern hemisphere with strange creatures known
for jumping and large birds known for running and putting their heads in sand
DON’T treat migrants like convicts transported to Botany bay in the 1700s and
1800s.
3. If
you are Wales and a net gainer from the EU and your
government trashed your steel
industry by failing to support France, Italy and Germany when they were trying
to protect Europe against Chinese steel over-production – DO vote to remain in
the EU (uh-oh – too late on that one as well...).
4. If
you are Saudi Arabia DON’T buy any more British arms to kill/torture civilians. DO
spend that money instead on infrastructure, food, roads, schools, helping
refugees in your region yada yada yada.
5. If
you are Britain DON’T sell any more arms to murderous regimes while taking the
moral high ground re everyone else’s crap behaviour.
It’s really that simple… Happy 2017.
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