We’ll
sort out the porn plague, dog crap crisis, car carnage and epidemic of on-line kitten
videos – would be a manifesto worth reading.
Most folk in the UK live in open air dog toilets (we
call them towns and cities). People are surrounded by roads that deliver annual
motorised massacre and carcinogenic fumes, linked up to T.V. (a sewer pipe into
your brain?) and the internet with its plague of porn and mind numbing epidemic
of kitten videos.
Why are party leaders spending so much time and
energy promising to sort out stuff they can’t sort out and know they won’t sort
out (see last week’s blog)? They could actually positively influence lives by dealing
with some or all of the above...
One doesn’t want to be extreme but surely rounding
up the people who let their dogs foul up the pavements, walkways, parks etc
selling off everything they own and using their mortal remains as fertilizer
would not be too outlandish. Maybe I’ll feel less like a foot-fouled fascist
when the memory of my latest stroll through the dog excrement has faded.
I like to walk. I walk early. That means I step out
each morning onto a pavement where the rivulets of dog urine running from hedge
to curb are mere feet apart and punctuated by piles of dog pooh. (Some look
like T-rex turds) As the weather warms up the stench is choking, if I try to
hold my breath past the worst bits, the buzz of frenzied flies gives it away.
Obviously not in the very centre of Edinburgh. The ‘bits that show’ are kept
nice.
If you are squeamish and think grinding down the
bones of these arsehole dog owners is too unkind then let’s get biblical. Send
them to hell. Hell being a lead lined room smeared with dog turds – no vents - and
containing Jeremy Clarkson, Nigel Farage and Katy Hopkins (like I said – a room
full of turds).
Politicians of all persuasions have been bleating on
about the NHS because they know lazy disaffected members of the populous are
relying on the poor creaking monolith to save them from their bad habits. It
can’t.
Ban cigarettes – I mean just do it. Then all those
third world countries growing tobacco to kill people (cheaply over there –
expensively over here) could grow FOOOOOOOD.
In terms of a better deal for the young, let’s ban
advertising which suggests that compressed guts and eyelids with salt, held
together by fat is a Mac-treat. Parents sending their children to boarding
schools to be brought up by strangers get a social worker each.
Treble the price of petrol for cars. Cut the price
of public transport by two thirds with regular compulsory bus services to all
rural areas
Block pornography so the guys actually have to
WORK/PAY to get it rather than tripping over it every time they switch on (I
think if we can land space probes on comets we can DO this) Then their actual
real sex lives may recover and they wouldn’t be sluggish, depressed and vile.
Also – stop all the ridiculous soft focus ads
claiming we are going to cure everything. Tell people the truth that they
actually have to look after themselves.
Oh and obviously renationalise ALL the national resources
and infrastructure from public transport to water.
Basically pass laws that mean we stop poisoning the
population mentally, physically, spiritually, psychologically, morally and actually
– and the rest will follow.
If you are young (under 40) do recommend this
manifesto or ‘link’ it to stuff. On the other hand if you think this post just
shows that I have finally imploded – send me some chocolate – it’s my birthday
today.
Ok - I’m going to go and lie down now...