The witty article suggested the film might win
‘Oscars’ for being tedious, worthy and guilt inducing (issue 1358 pge24).
Witty? 'If wit was shit he’d be constipated' – I seem to hear my old dad say.
On behalf of all other descendants of slaves and –
(why not) - the slaves themselves who had the brass neck* to get kidnapped,
flogged, lynched, raped, torn from families, murdered in their millions and so on and so forth yada yada yada, I apologise.
And whoever at Private Eye forced the poor, presumably lowly, gadgie to sit
through a celebrated, realistic portrayal about a true story on a subject no
one in their right mind would be interested in, should be locked in a broken
lift for a week with Tony Blair.
*(the neck irons were not brass as the name makes
clear – sorry again)
I was lucky enough – despite studying British and
European history to degree level in UK educational institutions – never to have
been bothered by my teachers on the subject AT ALL and only in passing by
lecturers. It was as if the country never benefited from the proceeds of
African slave misery. Phew. With hindsight, I’m sure they were simply trying to
avoid being tedious, worthy or guilt inducing, for which I am truly grateful.
Hopefully the contributor was more relaxed at, for
example, the first of the Hobbit films being leeched out of the book of the
same name. I understand it’s a nice concise
‘starter’ film. Or perhaps the latest action movie like the one featuring a
couple of square jawed blokes and Ms Knightly with that lovely
I-don’t-want-to-get-any-wrinkles facial expression she is so good at. Perhaps
he might go and see any of those films about Russians or Arabs or aliens or
monsters or bad weather trying to destroy America. I know there aren’t many
films with Bruce Willis or Colin Firth – or that lass off the Hunger Games or enough
films based on a misogynistic, hard drinking, slightly slimy (hon exception
Sean Connery) bloke in contorted mind numbing testosterone fests who blows
things up in service to her Majesty, but if he looks hard he may find the odd one.
Really what we need are more Jane Austen adaptations
or films about Vietnam or films about how America won WWII or please please
more Star Trek or Sherlock Homes or shite remakes of just about anything that
was ok the first time round or Iron Man 12 or ANY film with guns and car chases
because there haven’t been any of those in ages or any film with no plot, no
meaningful dialogue and no f’ing point or, pretty please, films with women
weeping and dripping round steely eyed men and lots and lots of technology that
ALWAYS works and comedies about how funny men are when they are pissed or more
of those
sexy-young-scientists-save-the-world-while-being-nice-and-sexy type
films or films where everyone is rich and glamorous – because there aren't
enough of those and stiff upper lip Brit films and really great films like
Notting hill based in London with no black people and films that make shallow
people cry attractively without ruining their makeup like Love Actually because
for God’s sake I’m sure we had a realistic film about slavery sometime last
century. For crying out loud I had to sit through ROOTS on the telly when I was
a kid. I can’t believe it’s happening again just in the next century it’s TOO
MUCH. In fact they should just ban any film that doesn’t include a young fit
guy, a sexy older seen-better-days actor and a vacuous thin woman. Everything
else should carry a worthy warning.
So let me just finish by saying, yet again, SORRY to
the poor bastard at Private Eye who couldn’t find anything better to slag off
in the film industry right now than 12
Years a Slave
I’m sorry
We’re sorry
You poor sod.
Ok I’ll stop now.
Cartoons in the usual place.