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Tuesday, 28 April 2015

Blog 133. Famous Fannies - Fashion Focus!

When did who goes in and what comes out of famous fannies become a ‘C’ list celebrity fashion frenzy?

There’s only one thing worse than Baby News and that’s Celebrity Baby News. Surely the fact that reproduction is done by lots of people all the time means it’s not NEWS. Baby NEWS worth reading is rare and would be - for example - the 4 month old baby pulled alive and well from the Nepal earthquake after 22 hours under rubble.

You notice it’s never ‘News of my idyllic teenager’. ‘My 14 year old (who either doesn’t wash or spends 4 hours at a time in the bathroom) is sooooo adorable’.

And any mother of a teen hoping to bask in the glow of wow comments about her ‘bikini body’ will be pretty sharply brought down to earth. If the hormonal offspring catches sight of bulges through a bathroom door not properly shut - god help you. Rebuild your self esteem after she’s sneered with contempt at your latest outfit which, judging from her expression, you may as well have cobbled together out of old bits of rope, cat sick and fag ends.

I know the royal bump is making folk crazier than ever BUT -as I was atrophying in a supermarket queue recently – there seemed to be nothing on the cover of the glossies other than gurning, over-made-up women claiming they desperately want babies – are worried about their figures / relationships (not sure what was most important) or have just delivered and are in heaven and full make-up. Or they had babies last week and have a fitness regime to tell you about. No haemorrhoids, no stitches – no cracked nipples?

But none of them say they want CHILDREN and especially not teenagers. Don’t they realise these critters are going to GROW?

It’s become another albatross round women’s necks – you have to be magazine gorgeous even during and immediately after pregnancy.Babies have long been fashion accessories but now it seems that women’s fertility and reproduction are overtly part of the whole ghastly circus.

Lying awake on a bottom bunk having cracked my head again getting into the unfamiliar bed, I’ve time to think about this. Above me is my 14 yr old (we are temporary roommates while the last in a litany of DIY horrors is completed on my flat).

Apart from feeling she is entitled to pass any opinion on my person at any time - physical appearance, dress sense, inability to appreciate the right kind of music – she also ricochets from high moods to low. This means that glowering murderously under her fringe (a la Manga chic) can suddenly be replaced by hurling herself at me for hugs and kisses and climbing on top of me on the sofa. She forgets she is taller than me and full of bones... The result is that as well as being verbally mangled I am often bruised and mauled.

She is absolutely wonderful, (I think this a lot when she is at school) but I couldn’t imagine how this would play out on the cover of a magazine. I would most likely be captured bleary, dishevelled and possibly weary and wary. She would be sneering or smirking or making a gesture to camera that would be far from OK.

Never having been a teenager, I was pretty floored by my first daughter’s teen escapades but managed the second without too much collateral damage. Third time round I can appreciate that - if I was not the mother – the roller coaster that is TEEN is kinda crazy and scary but cool and amazing as you watch the human metamorphosis happen right before your eyes. And teens are certainly more interesting than the poor unfortunates in designer dungarees absorbing the neediness and frenetic, desperate desire for attention of the latest celebrity breeders.


Couldn’t these folk go back to buying ridiculous handbags and silly cars?

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