I CAN SAVE YOU.
Yes. Nothing says I bought this because - you bought
me something last year / we’re distantly related / we once worked together / I
don’t really know you well enough to buy something you’d actually like / I had
to buy something and I know there is nothing you need/want/haven’t already got
that I’d be willing to spend my hard earned money on and my credit card is
glowing red so I thought of flames while I was shopping and THEY ARE IN EVERY
STORE in the section marked ‘DESPERATION’ and it has a Christmas logo on it and
it was either this or gloves because it's REALLY important
that I buy you some shit – so here’s a Christmas scented candle…
As Brits across the nation quake with dread at the
approach of the debilitating, highly contagious and often deadly US disease BF
I have good news for you. Not the bible sort of Good News obviously.
Yes – the highs streets (or cyber-highways) will be
dark indeed with the swarms of desperate humans burning more credit onto their nearly-dead
this-isn’t-real-money cards. Even the gaping holes, where large stores such as
BHS used to operate before the owner asset-stripped them and their pension
schemes to fund another couple of yachts, will probably be tinselled-up like
seasonal prostitutes.
Yes. The ridiculously large, often vanilla scented CHRISTMAS CANDLE.
It will probably be in a glass jar with a ye olde label and some silver lettering.
It may have more than one wick! It will be so big that lighting it will pose a
fire hazard for houses in a 200m radius and the chemical fumes will dissolve
the lining of your lungs and keep wildlife away from your home for the next
decade. But SOMEONE out there is probably going to get you one and they are
probably going to do it this Friday. Or – in your desperation to get SOMETHING
for SOMEONE on your list you may be tempted. Black Friday. The Friday that may henceforth
forever be Vanilla Scented Catastrophe Friday.
So just tell them you’d like a book instead. Or you
get them a book.
Yes books too are a bit flammable but generally
speaking you don’t deliberately set fire to them and they aren’t full of
horrible chemicals that will give you a migraine and they don’t reek of Black
Friday desperation and debt.
And yes – this is a pitch. If you don’t buy my books
how will I be able to afford to buy scented candles?
check them out here -
check them out here -
NB All new 2017 editions are significantly cheaper than the old editions. YOU
COULD BUY BOTH ADULT NOVELS AND THE ENTIRE ADVENTURE TRILOGY FOR LESS THAN ONE M&S CHRISTMAS CANDLE… though
the candle in question does feature x3 wicks!!!