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Tuesday, 21 April 2015


We’ll sort out the porn plague, dog crap crisis, car carnage and epidemic of on-line kitten videos – would be a manifesto worth reading.

Most folk in the UK live in open air dog toilets (we call them towns and cities). People are surrounded by roads that deliver annual motorised massacre and carcinogenic fumes, linked up to T.V. (a sewer pipe into your brain?) and the internet with its plague of porn and mind numbing epidemic of kitten videos.

Why are party leaders spending so much time and energy promising to sort out stuff they can’t sort out and know they won’t sort out (see last week’s blog)? They could actually positively influence lives by dealing with some or all of the above...

One doesn’t want to be extreme but surely rounding up the people who let their dogs foul up the pavements, walkways, parks etc selling off everything they own and using their mortal remains as fertilizer would not be too outlandish. Maybe I’ll feel less like a foot-fouled fascist when the memory of my latest stroll through the dog excrement has faded.

I like to walk. I walk early. That means I step out each morning onto a pavement where the rivulets of dog urine running from hedge to curb are mere feet apart and punctuated by piles of dog pooh. (Some look like T-rex turds) As the weather warms up the stench is choking, if I try to hold my breath past the worst bits, the buzz of frenzied flies gives it away. Obviously not in the very centre of Edinburgh. The ‘bits that show’ are kept nice.

If you are squeamish and think grinding down the bones of these arsehole dog owners is too unkind then let’s get biblical. Send them to hell. Hell being a lead lined room smeared with dog turds – no vents - and containing Jeremy Clarkson, Nigel Farage and Katy Hopkins (like I said – a room full of turds).

Politicians of all persuasions have been bleating on about the NHS because they know lazy disaffected members of the populous are relying on the poor creaking monolith to save them from their bad habits. It can’t.

Ban cigarettes – I mean just do it. Then all those third world countries growing tobacco to kill people (cheaply over there – expensively over here) could grow FOOOOOOOD.

In terms of a better deal for the young, let’s ban advertising which suggests that compressed guts and eyelids with salt, held together by fat is a Mac-treat. Parents sending their children to boarding schools to be brought up by strangers get a social worker each.

Treble the price of petrol for cars. Cut the price of public transport by two thirds with regular compulsory bus services to all rural areas
Block pornography so the guys actually have to WORK/PAY to get it rather than tripping over it every time they switch on (I think if we can land space probes on comets we can DO this) Then their actual real sex lives may recover and they wouldn’t be sluggish, depressed and vile.

Also – stop all the ridiculous soft focus ads claiming we are going to cure everything. Tell people the truth that they actually have to look after themselves.

Oh and obviously renationalise ALL the national resources and infrastructure from public transport to water.

Basically pass laws that mean we stop poisoning the population mentally, physically, spiritually, psychologically, morally and actually – and the rest will follow.

If you are young (under 40) do recommend this manifesto or ‘link’ it to stuff. On the other hand if you think this post just shows that I have finally imploded – send me some chocolate – it’s my birthday today.

Ok - I’m going to go and lie down now...

1 comment:

  1. HAPPY BIRTHDAY Your Maj :) I wish you a kitten and corgi crap free day. Oh of course it's HERS too isn't it... heehee x