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Tuesday, 24 March 2015

Blog 128. ‘New Boobs’ & Magazine Misery.

14 ways to get into celebrity magazines...

If you've ever wondered what gets a woman into a glossy magazine, some of the most likely reasons are listed below.

‘Research’ for this blog entailed leafing reluctantly through dog-eared, cast off copies of celebrity magazines.  I am now certain that there is a recognisable condition we should call Magazine Misery – a state induced by the relentless, masochistic, misogynistic poison peddled by these rags.

From the psychotic obsession with dieting to the normalisation of unnecessary cosmetic surgery (talking about  ‘new boobs’ now seems to take on the same tone as discussing the latest pair of shoes), these glossies sponsor women’s wretchedness.

Picking one magazine at random it appeared that – whatever your height - you were supposed to weigh around 8 stone. In one article featuring a dozen celebrity women ranging from 5ft 3 to 5ft 11, the majority were in the 8 stone bracket (including the one who was 5ft 11). Two were at or close to 7 st (yes SEVEN STONE) and one – the only one not baring flesh – weighed in at 9st 7lb. It’s weird because I recently had a medical, was pronounced healthy and yet would weigh in at about 2 – 3 stone heavier than most of these women – even the ones taller than me.

While torturing young females with images of popular women who have the BMI of an average 10 year old, these rags dangle the idea that if you just spend a little more money/effort, apply this make-up – if your tits were just that bit bigger, you too could be between these bright shiny pages and your life would be worthwhile.

And while young men are increasingly under pressure to live up to unrealistic body images, the main target for the sugar-coated image Kalashnikov remains young women.

This is particularly depressing because - well its 2015. Why do we give a shit that ‘Marnie’ “...lost 17lbs in 4 weeks” when we know she will only be note worthy again if she is “guilty about sugar-fuelled weight gain” or is looking “worryingly thin”.

The magazine mind miasma also explains why a recent campaign was able to label women brave for going without make-up (which I do 99.9% of the time) and why women like me who go round with their hair obviously turning grey might get the impression we are letting the side down. Getting older and not having a perfect appearance is definitely starting to feel like a crime.

We all know the list of events that will get a young starlet in the glossies and it’s not her talent.

  1. Shagging a famous bloke still seems to be top of the list
  2. Looking gorgeous / awful
  3. Being too fat / thin
  4. Exposing private body parts
  5. Having non-medical plastic surgery or speculation about same
  6. Having a public spat with another ‘celebrity’
  7. Finding Mr Right
  8. Getting married ostentatiously
  9. Being pregnant in trendy clothes
  10. Looking fabulous immediately after the birth
  11. Publically acknowledging he was Mr. Wrong
  12. Getting divorced
  13. Having another boob job
  14. Proclamation of ‘availability’ for the next Mr Right


It’s depressing just making the list. From a soap actress with her “Towie Hunk” (is that a brand of canoe?) to a princess with a “blooming bump” it seems that getting hooked up and knocked up – which I thought everyone did all the time -  is somehow noteworthy if you've ever been on the telly. And if you are female – regardless of whether your fame is earned or accidental, you are an object to be judged primarily on physical appearance before, during and after any life event - Help.

For a minute of silly fem-fun check out BG comedy poem for this week –
Magazine Misery

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