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Tuesday, 18 February 2014

Blog 71. Scotland is a Strawberry Tart!

Open letter to the 'No s' from a No-body.
I’ve resisted so hard, jumping on the bandwagon of commenting on the Scotland / England heave ho – the union v no union debate. No Scottish skirmish or Brit bashing or battle for the border, no Salmond baiting or coalition carpeting on this issue from me (well if you ignore blog 37.which was really about the stagnant state of Westminster politics).
Anyone who has ever expressed an opinion on anything, whether they have expertise or experience or not, eventually gets sucked in. As the mighty whirlwind of claim and counter claim, spite and retribution, cajoling and bullying that accompanies the worst break-ups sucks in, we succumb.
The difference is that if we are going to stick with the tired old divorce analogy (Scotland cast as the wife), I do have form. Apart from having gone through the unpleasant experience once myself, I practiced briefly at the end of last century as a family lawyer. And I would therefore like to address this blog as an open letter from someone who may just have an inkling of the obvious pitfalls – to Cameregg & Milliballs and their various squeaking marionettes.

Dear Sirs
(And there is your first problem – how can you possibly understand this from the woman’s point of view?)
The time has come to be blunt – nay brutal.
As the fat old fart in this relationship your bargaining powers may not be what you think. Your sexy younger wife has grown up and grown apart from you. She is aware of how she has lived in your shadow – a shadow which is dark and dank and blocks out her sunlight. You must see how desperate she is if even Mr Salmond is starting to look attractive?
This union was made when Scotland was a giddy stupid witless young thing, unaware of her charms and potential. You have taken often hideous advantage of her attributes and like many bullies – you seem to forget that others don’t – forget.
The initial pleading and whining was lacking in dignity but the subsequent predictable bullying and scare tactics are utterly revolting.
She is like a little strawberry tart still full of promise and deliciousness and not too many calories that will titillate the taste buds and leave us wanting more. You are like a stale old stodgy suet pudding whose only claim to attention is that it’s what people used to eat.
You are politically flaccid she is frisky and full of energy. Yes, there is always the Viagra of politics – some fiscally induced stamina perhaps?  But if things between the sheets aint that good – who WANTS it to go on and on and on?
The latest scaremongering regarding currency is the lowest kind of desperation and harrying. It’s like telling her she will definitely not be able to keep the dog. Well, my mum has a word for dogs – SHIT MACHINES (sorry that’s two words). Maybe she’d prefer a cat. They clean themselves don’t need walking and bury their mess away from your house.
As for her being hounded out of the EU – be careful. Firstly it’s a flawed argument. If she leaves you she leaves the union but you don’t? Isn’t that like saying when two people legally separate only one of the parties is divorced – surely the state of both parties is altered? And in any case, wouldn’t many on the Right who you are currently trying to keep sweet with verbal assaults on European migrants, look north enviously if that were the case?
You have to get out of the habit of drawing attention to things that you think give you leverage over her and in the end fuel her sense of a need to escape from your cold clammy clinch. The more you rant, the more she hates the sound of your voice. The more you threaten the more she feels caged by your inadequacies, barely hidden over the decades. The more you try terror tactics the more she feels her backbone straighten and the fight grow in her. The more you tell her she can’t do without you the more she sizes up other leaner, sexier, less boring, mentally agile, less money obsessed, more spiritually fulfilled possibilities.
At the moment there may even be some sympathy for you. You are all wet down the bottom end, corrupt and dirty in the middle and just kind of not really with it at the top end. The sympathy will fade. She has her life to lead and is feeling the need to get on with it.
Menacing, as you have recently, that even if she leaves you, you will not actually let her go is a base threat that may well confirm her desire to be rid of you. That is tantamount to saying – if the divorce goes through I will send the boys round anyway to barricade you in.
If you think that will drive her back into your grasping groping hands, I suspect you haven’t understood her at all.

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