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Tuesday, 28 January 2014

Blog 68 Private Eye - my Slavish Apology

Though I am neither white nor a bloke I do enjoy white/blokey Private Eye. More than that, I celebrate its vigour in this sceptic isle (surely sceptred Ed!) of flaccid morals and limp politics. Imagine my horror and upset (shocked and saddened I think is the pat phrase in these situations) on reading that some poor contributor had a rough time watching 12 Years a Slave.

The witty article suggested the film might win ‘Oscars’ for being tedious, worthy and guilt inducing (issue 1358 pge24). Witty? 'If wit was shit he’d be constipated' – I seem to hear my old dad say.

On behalf of all other descendants of slaves and – (why not) - the slaves themselves who had the brass neck* to get kidnapped, flogged, lynched, raped, torn from families, murdered in their millions  and so on and so forth yada yada yada, I apologise. And whoever at Private Eye forced the poor, presumably lowly, gadgie to sit through a celebrated, realistic portrayal about a true story on a subject no one in their right mind would be interested in, should be locked in a broken lift for a week with Tony Blair.

*(the neck irons were not brass as the name makes clear – sorry again)

I was lucky enough – despite studying British and European history to degree level in UK educational institutions – never to have been bothered by my teachers on the subject AT ALL and only in passing by lecturers. It was as if the country never benefited from the proceeds of African slave misery. Phew. With hindsight, I’m sure they were simply trying to avoid being tedious, worthy or guilt inducing, for which I am truly grateful.

Hopefully the contributor was more relaxed at, for example, the first of the Hobbit films being leeched out of the book of the same name.  I understand it’s a nice concise ‘starter’ film. Or perhaps the latest action movie like the one featuring a couple of square jawed blokes and Ms Knightly with that lovely I-don’t-want-to-get-any-wrinkles facial expression she is so good at. Perhaps he might go and see any of those films about Russians or Arabs or aliens or monsters or bad weather trying to destroy America. I know there aren’t many films with Bruce Willis or Colin Firth – or that lass off the Hunger Games or enough films based on a misogynistic, hard drinking, slightly slimy (hon exception Sean Connery) bloke in contorted mind numbing testosterone fests who blows things up in service to her Majesty, but if he looks hard he may find the odd one.

Really what we need are more Jane Austen adaptations or films about Vietnam or films about how America won WWII or please please more Star Trek or Sherlock Homes or shite remakes of just about anything that was ok the first time round or Iron Man 12 or ANY film with guns and car chases because there haven’t been any of those in ages or any film with no plot, no meaningful dialogue and no f’ing point or, pretty please, films with women weeping and dripping round steely eyed men and lots and lots of technology that ALWAYS works and comedies about how funny men are when they are pissed or more of those  sexy-young-scientists-save-the-world-while-being-nice-and-sexy type films or films where everyone is rich and glamorous – because there aren't enough of those and stiff upper lip Brit films and really great films like Notting hill based in London with no black people and films that make shallow people cry attractively without ruining their makeup like Love Actually because for God’s sake I’m sure we had a realistic film about slavery sometime last century. For crying out loud I had to sit through ROOTS on the telly when I was a kid. I can’t believe it’s happening again just in the next century it’s TOO MUCH. In fact they should just ban any film that doesn’t include a young fit guy, a sexy older seen-better-days actor and a vacuous thin woman. Everything else should carry a worthy warning.

So let me just finish by saying, yet again, SORRY to the poor bastard at Private Eye who couldn’t find anything better to slag off in the film industry right now than 12 Years a Slave

I’m sorry
We’re sorry
You poor sod.
Ok I’ll stop now.
Cartoons in the usual place.


  1. Hey Amanda, why don't you upload your cartoons to your blog?

  2. Damn it, now I'm going to have to get off my couch and go see that movie. Sorry!