Toes, toes, toes.
Had it not been for the pending Bank holiday Monday and an unusually slow queue in Lidl, I might never have become aware of this issue, would not therefore have been able to write this blog and you, dear bleaders, would have remained in sad desperate ignorance of the problem.
On Friday, as I had several minutes to peruse the covers of the dozens of stacked glossies, something quite shocking struck me. Amid sleek, made-up, airbrushed, grinning, geurning, pouting faces was the usual battle cry to GET READY FOR SUMMER. If you missed this body-blitz hysteria last year or the one before that or that or that – these publications are available to guide you through preparing your; tan, tummy, teeth, eyes, thighs, lips, wardrobe, shoes (obviously), accessories (as opposed to general wardrobe), hair etc, etc,etc.
You can get rid of your cellulite, eye-bags and bulges. Increase your bosoms, reduce your waist line. Peel or plump your skin (yes – I know – I too thought that was a recipe for chicken). You can glow, shimmer, shine, enhance, entrance. There are ways to feel revitalised, youthful, happier, more confident. Frankly you should have been GETTING READY FOR SUMMER 2013 from about September 1st 2012 if not before.
By now you should definitely be getting your Bikini Body ready. I have mine in the shed behind the lawnmower just waiting for July. I believe in being prepared for the summer – I do – I do (sorry I just morphed into Peter Pan). God forbid that I or anyone else should be caught out by SUMMER not looking PREPARED.
Some of you I fear may be screaming ‘Hypocrite’ at this blog right now. And yes, I cannot lie. I have not been to a hairdresser since about 2004. I have not dyed out the grey in my hair nor have I straightened it. That is not because I cannot be bothered – perish the thought -nor is it because I have an uneasy feeling that ageing in relative comfort is fast becoming an undervalued luxury. It is a little known fact that hair straighteners and hair chemicals are actually illegal in this part of Northumberland.
When I was young and did as I was told, my mum took me to an afro-hair salon where my hair was straightened with ‘relaxing’ chemicals. Never have I experienced anything less relaxing. The stuff literally burns the scalp. I remember one veteran torturer telling me proudly after applying the ammonia stinking, eye-watering concoction, ‘when you can’t stand the burning any longer you’re ready’ - OMG.
Anyway – I’m wandering off the beaten track, as usual.
So, the hair is as it is for reasons of legality / cowardice / lack of motivation. My summer body is ready as long as the mice haven’t eaten it. I bought a skirt from Oxfam so the summer wardrobe is sorted – although frankly the way the forecast is looking, that may have been a massive overspend. I have skin sufficient to cover me up. My summer hips and thighs and waistline will be covered by the afore-mentioned skirt so that’s ok.
Nowhere but nowhere could I see information on what to do with one’s toes.
Do they need botox? Do they require straightening? Are they too fat, small, un-tanned, un-toned? There was not a single celebrity drooling over her silicon toe implants and explaining how they changed her life, got her a better bloke / acting role / somewhere to rest her tea.
Who is taking the lead on toes? I can’t sleep for worrying about it. Are mine like everyone else’s? Should I get them plucked or buffed? I’ve no idea what to do with them. At this rate they will end up just sort of there -sticking out of the ends of my feet!